Bondage and H-2-Orgies

The slithering gimp. Spoken in a hiss.

That fat friar man’s a liar; the universe is chaosss. Even the word is a lie: Uni-verse: turned to one. Liessss--sssss!

Energy, "the life of the universe," is lust most primal. Unless "engaged" elsewhere, an electron will zzzip to a proton faster than anything.  The friar man says they stay together forever, but he liesss. The cowboy man says they “stay in their shells, cowpokes,” but he liesss. They move and shake and slither and buffett and graze and grab and grip and suck and philander. They swap shells, mates, holes, whatever is easiest because at bare, this is a universe of lustful laaaaazy.

Even water is a whore. So says they: "we can't overstate the importance of water. To life, water is all." Lies, lies, lies; water is a whorish lie! It has no beauty; it has no liquid mystery flux; it's an atomic fuck.

Oxygen's eight protons will seduce eight electrons, but since it can still fits two more...tug tug tugs it does on nearby electrons, which also tug tug tug on the protons they're bound to. Friar man, is this beautiful? The single electron gets tugged right into that orgy of oxygen, tugged by the appetite of eight protons.

And how does the abandoned hydrogen react? Will it dissolve, disperse, chase? No. It lecherizes. It yanks desperately at any mate it can distract for long enough -- which is most often an electron off the oxygen orgy heap!

--

A molecule is 

a chaos of charged particles

clinching to the extreme.

Everybody wants a taste.

...a most electric orgy.

--

I said most often hydrogen laps up an electron from oxygen. This is true...but occasssionally it will grope any electron nearby, and it is this! this! this! casual hook-up Puritans mistake as "miraculous."  A Hydrogen Bond, ha! Wretch, understand that is a lie! This is no bond, true or lasting; it's a bond as a dotted line is whole -- nothing but a masquerade! At the slightest provocation the electron (far from the Hydrogen atom) will break off and lust off towards another.  This is no "beautiful" flux; it is a trillion divorces and a trillion rebounds...

Listen to the rain. Listen, oh listen, to the giggly din of a quardillion orgy.

Salt: Good Marriage and Tasty Foreplay

A Presentation from Father Patrick, the Hypertensive Friar.

As Mr. Zeff has just described, atoms often have an unequal number of protons and electrons. When there are more protons, the atom will attract electrons, and conversely, when an atom has more electrons it will attract protons.

But to be clearer, let’s put some faces on it. Say you’ve got an atom with 17 protons, who just nabbed another electron to fill out his shell. Let’s call him Chlorine.

Chlorine’s confident because while he knows he’s a bit negative, he is nevertheless attractive. In fact, his imperfection is his attraction: one cannot be attractive without some nuance, some special imperfect flare. He’s got that spark that someone would love to fix.

Cue Sodium. She’s got 11 of the most curvaceous protons around, and she’s looking awfully trim with just 10 valence electrons. She’s got her faults, true, but she’s positively charming.

Every bit of Chlorine bumps and shakes. Yes, yes, yes, jump her, jump her, jump her, he thinks as he floats to her on a river of his own drool. And then tasty stuff goes down! Chloe’s electrons reach over and pull on Sodium’s protons, and Chloe’s protons start jigglin Sodium’s electrons. Oh! Behave you two! This is foreplay that might last awhile...

---

Hah! I jest,

But blessed be this union, this marriage!

Theirs is a bond based on affection. 

What is a soul-mate but a complement 

for our lesser imperfections?

---

The truth is this sodium and chlorine bond will likely stay together longer than most real marriages. Better still, it will spread. Other NaCl couples, attracted by their love, will move in nearby and form a pretty suburb. It’s will be a spacious place, free from impropriety, and though all the Sodiums are attracted to the Chlorines, and the Chlorines are attracted to the Sodiums, every couple remains faithful.

This is why I coat my steaks in salt: in the hopes of inspiring uniform sexual fidelity! Divine ordinance has made salt the most sacred of seasonings!

Cowboy Zeff, Atomic Theorist

Never forget you: Atoms are a chaos, not 'cause they ain’t got rules, but 'cause they got too many.

Every proton attracts an electron, and every electron attracts them a proton; positive ta negative, negative ta positive. Now, let us say there is an atom with nine protons. These nine little balls of positivity should attract them nine electrons, right? One positive fer each negative.

But that ain’t what happens! Nine protons attract 10 electrons. You thinkin: Zeff! That’s balderdash; you raving distracted!

I sayyun you that you don’t understand the atom nor its structure! First, a proton ain’t never “neutralized.” It’s always gonna attract electrons; it’s just that in most cases electrons around the atom are gonna repel any electrons that happen to be coming nearby. But iffin an electron gets close enough to the protons, well, it would be electrically stuck just like all the other 9.

But why, Zeff, can an electron get close enough sometimes, but not at other times? Well, that’s the question, and let me learn you the answer. When electrons go around a proton, they make a shell. Like a nut. If you put two electrons around a mass of protons, their gonna make a shell. Like a nut. Now imagine another shell around that nut. That’s what happens when you add 8 more electrons to that mass of protons. And you can keep adding electrons, and, iffin there are enough protons to keep them doggies wrangled, they’re gonna make bigger and bigger shells.

Now, iffin you only have a few protons in the center, they ain’t never gonna finish that second shell. 4 of them cowboys ain’t gonna herd 10 cattle, let alone any in a far-off shell; by golly, 10 protons ain’t strong enough to hold on to any in the next shell. But 9 protons can hold on to another one because there's a "hole in the shell." And iffin when that stray electron wanders into that “hole in the shell,” so to speak, well them 9 cowboys are gonna wrangle some extra meat.

That’s why I was saying atoms are crazy as loons, cause 9 gets 10 and 10 gets 10. And, by good rites, no 9 jackeroos shouldn’t ever have as many as 10. I’m always saying, society’s rules just ain’t for me.

For more fun cowboy words, click there!

Subatomic Particles: A Tragic Love Story

An atom is uncuttable. Literally, “uncuttable.”

Atoms, just like the rest of us though, are thralled by what’s inside. There are “little bits beneath the uncuttable” (literally, subatomic particles) that not only exist, but whose attraction makes everything. It’s a nanoscopic courtship -- the protons and electrons, pulling and pushing, tugging and running at each other.


This is not poetic rambling! I am not fantasizing from the reality of positive and negative charges. There is no positive and negative; there is no charge! These categories enervate what we really see: a longing between two little bits, making it work, alone beneath the “uncuttable.” Believe! They exist and they love!

Watch as the electron picometers towards the proton. It shakes as it gets close. Poised on the edge, an electric chaos, jittery beyond physics. They never touch.

Oh, this is a universe of tease.