Cowboy Zeff, Atomic Theorist

Never forget you: Atoms are a chaos, not 'cause they ain’t got rules, but 'cause they got too many.

Every proton attracts an electron, and every electron attracts them a proton; positive ta negative, negative ta positive. Now, let us say there is an atom with nine protons. These nine little balls of positivity should attract them nine electrons, right? One positive fer each negative.

But that ain’t what happens! Nine protons attract 10 electrons. You thinkin: Zeff! That’s balderdash; you raving distracted!

I sayyun you that you don’t understand the atom nor its structure! First, a proton ain’t never “neutralized.” It’s always gonna attract electrons; it’s just that in most cases electrons around the atom are gonna repel any electrons that happen to be coming nearby. But iffin an electron gets close enough to the protons, well, it would be electrically stuck just like all the other 9.

But why, Zeff, can an electron get close enough sometimes, but not at other times? Well, that’s the question, and let me learn you the answer. When electrons go around a proton, they make a shell. Like a nut. If you put two electrons around a mass of protons, their gonna make a shell. Like a nut. Now imagine another shell around that nut. That’s what happens when you add 8 more electrons to that mass of protons. And you can keep adding electrons, and, iffin there are enough protons to keep them doggies wrangled, they’re gonna make bigger and bigger shells.

Now, iffin you only have a few protons in the center, they ain’t never gonna finish that second shell. 4 of them cowboys ain’t gonna herd 10 cattle, let alone any in a far-off shell; by golly, 10 protons ain’t strong enough to hold on to any in the next shell. But 9 protons can hold on to another one because there's a "hole in the shell." And iffin when that stray electron wanders into that “hole in the shell,” so to speak, well them 9 cowboys are gonna wrangle some extra meat.

That’s why I was saying atoms are crazy as loons, cause 9 gets 10 and 10 gets 10. And, by good rites, no 9 jackeroos shouldn’t ever have as many as 10. I’m always saying, society’s rules just ain’t for me.

For more fun cowboy words, click there!

Subatomic Particles: A Tragic Love Story

An atom is uncuttable. Literally, “uncuttable.”

Atoms, just like the rest of us though, are thralled by what’s inside. There are “little bits beneath the uncuttable” (literally, subatomic particles) that not only exist, but whose attraction makes everything. It’s a nanoscopic courtship -- the protons and electrons, pulling and pushing, tugging and running at each other.


This is not poetic rambling! I am not fantasizing from the reality of positive and negative charges. There is no positive and negative; there is no charge! These categories enervate what we really see: a longing between two little bits, making it work, alone beneath the “uncuttable.” Believe! They exist and they love!

Watch as the electron picometers towards the proton. It shakes as it gets close. Poised on the edge, an electric chaos, jittery beyond physics. They never touch.

Oh, this is a universe of tease.

Whale Accent-dent in the Occident

Her name is Zhaoqin, but she pronounces it, ā'mī. She says she's a cetologist, but she works in a hospital. A porpoise of tale, beloved whale doctor!

On Heaven

Yesterday I learned that “abdomen” comes from the words “ab” and “domini,” literally meaning from the lord. I told this to my girlfriend, who said, “that’s because 6 packs are heavenly.” It’s too bad that I’m a pagan.

My Knight

One of my favorite words is “eosinophil.” It’s a type of white blood cell that battles parasites and other bodily intruders and literally means “lover of the dawn” or “lover of the rose.” They are knights, uncompromising and stoic, banners blowing in the morning.

Researchers named the cells because they could be easily stained with an acidic mixture of eosin (“rose-colored”) and hematoxylin (“tree blood”). When eosinophiles are laid onto a petri dish and doused with this rose-colored acidic tree blood, they, being basic, are scoured red. Some cancers are diagnosed this way.

Our knights are also called “acidophils.” I like this word less.